Enhanced descriptions from Syndetics:

"A chatty, earnest and endearing book that promises here-and-now rewards for taking the trouble to listen more carefully to what others are saying--and to be more sensitive to what others are hearing." LOS ANGELES TIMES Discover how men and women can interpret the same conversation differently, even when there is no apparent misunderstanding. Discover why sinscere attempts to communicate are so often confounded, and how we can prevent or relieve some of the frustration. This fascinating, helpful, and controversial book--on the NEW YORK TIMES Bestseller list for two years!--explores, in depth the differing style men and women articulate, and how to work through it and get to the heart of the matter.

Excerpt provided by Syndetics

You Just Don't Understand Women and Men in Conversation Chapter One Different Words, Different Worlds Many years ago I was married to a man who shouted at me, "I do not give you the right to raise your voice to me, because you are a woman and I am a man." This was frustrating, because I knew it was unfair. But I also knew just what was going on. I ascribed his unfairness to his having grown up in a country where few people thought women and men might have equal rights. Now I am married to a man who is a partner and friend. We come from similar backgrounds and share values and interests. It is a continual source of pleasure to talk to him. It is wonderful to have someone I can tell everything to, someone who understands. But he doesn't always see things as I do, doesn't always react to things as I expect him to. And I often don't understand why he says what he does. At the time I began working on this book, we had jobs in different cities. People frequently expressed sympathy by making comments like "That must be rough," and "How do you stand it?" I was inclined to accept their sympathy and say things like "We fly a lot." Sometimes I would reinforce their concern: "The worst part is having to pack and unpack all the time." But my husband reacted differently, often with irritation. He might respond by de-emphasizing the inconvenience: As academics, we had four-day weekends together, as well as long vacations throughout the year and four months in the summer. We even benefited from the intervening days of uninterrupted time for work. I once overheard him telling a dubious man that we were lucky, since studies have shown that married couples who live together spend less than half an hour a week talking to each other; he was implying that our situation had advantages. I didn't object to the way my husband responded -- everything he said was true -- but I was surprised by it. I didn't understand why he reacted as he did. He explained that he sensed condescension in some expressions of concern, as if the questioner were implying, "Yours is not a real marriage; your ill-chosen profession has resulted in an unfortunate arrangement. I pity you, and look down at you from the height of complacence, since my wife and I have avoided your misfortune." It had not occurred to me that there might be an element of one-upmanship in these expressions of concern, though I could recognize it when it was pointed out. Even after I saw the point, though, I was inclined to regard my husband's response as slightly odd, a personal quirk. He frequently seemed to see others as adversaries when I didn't. Having done the research that led to this book, I now see that my husband was simply engaging the world in a way that many men do: as an individual in a hierarchical social order in which he was either one-up or one-down. In this world, conversations are negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand if they can, and protect themselves from others' attempts to put them down and push them around. Life, then, is a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure. I, on the other hand, was approaching the world as many women do: as an individual in a network of connections. In this world, conversations are negotiations for closeness in which people try to seek and give confirmation and support, and to reach consensus. They try to protect themselves from others' attempts to push them away. Life, then, is a community, a struggle to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation. Though there are hierarchies in this world too, they are hierarchies more of friendship than of power and accomplishment. Women are also concerned with achieving status and avoiding failure, but these are not the goals they are focused on all the time, and they tend to pursue them in the guise of connection. And men are also concerned with achieving involvement and avoiding isolation, but they are not focused on these goals, and they tend to pursue them in the guise of opposition. Discussing our differences from this point of view, my husband pointed out to me a distinction I had missed: He reacted the way I just described only if expressions of concern came from men in whom he sensed an awareness of hierarchy. And there were times when I too disliked people's expressing sympathy about our commuting marriage. I recall being offended by one man who seemed to have a leering look in his eye when he asked, "How do you manage this long-distance romance?" Another time I was annoyed when a woman who knew me only by reputation approached us during the intermission of a play, discovered our situation by asking my husband where he worked, and kept the conversation going by asking us all about it. In these cases, I didn't feel put down; I felt intruded upon. If my husband was offended by what he perceived as claims to superior status, I felt these sympathizers were claiming inappropriate intimacy. Intimacy and Independence Intimacy is key in a world of connection where individuals negotiate complex networks of friendship, minimize differences, try to reach consensus, and avoid the appearance of superiority, which would highlight differences. In a world of status, independence is key, because a primary means of establishing status is to tell others what to do, and taking orders is a marker of low status. Though all humans need both intimacy and independence, women tend to focus on the first and men on the second. It is as if their lifeblood ran in different directions. These differences can give women and men differing views of the same situation, as they did in the case of a couple I will call Linda and Josh... You Just Don't Understand Women and Men in Conversation . Copyright © by Deborah Tannen. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold. Excerpted from You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation by Deborah Tannen All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.

Reviews provided by Syndetics

Publishers Weekly Review

Georgetown University linguistics professor Tannen asserts that misunderstandings between the sexes often arise because women like to connect emotionally in conversation while men prefer to impart knowlege. ``Tannen examines the functioning of argument and interruption, and convincingly supports her case for the existence of `genderlect,' '' said PW. Author tour. (June) (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved

Booklist Review

You'll recognize yourself in Tannen's many entertaining examples of skewed conversations between men and women. Why do women feel offended when men offer advice instead of commiseration? Why do men sometimes think of women as nags? Tannen, a sociolinguist and author of both popular and scholarly books about communication, claims that males and females grow up in different cultures, even within the same family. While she's aware of the pitfalls of generalization, Tannen can still make a good case for gender categorization, and no one will deny that women and men frequently find themselves arguing over how things are said rather than the substance of the statement. Culling examples from her personal experiences, studies of communication of all age groups, even fiction and films, Tannen describes many situations in which people talk at cross-purposes. She suggests that understanding these ingrained habits of conversation will improve relationships. Free of jargon, this is a successful hybrid of sociology and self-help. References; to be indexed. --Donna Seaman

Kirkus Book Review

Here, Tannen expands relentlessly upon a single chapter in her That's Not What I Meant! (1985)--the one that dealt with gender differences in conversational style and that, she says, prompted 90% of the subsequent requests for interviews, articles, and lectures. It all begins, Tannen Finds, in childhood. Boys tend to congregate in hierarchal groups, play competitive games, and engage in one-upmanship and jockeying for status. Gifts relate one-on-one or in small groups and tend to play games (hopscotch, jump-rope) in which everyone gets a turn. Gifts also spend much time gossiping or negotiating differences. As adults, women's language, Tannen says, is usually nondemanding and negotiable. ""Would you like to do such and such?"" a woman typically asks, and is then hurt when the response is ""no."" A woman will discuss life's ""downers,"" expecting sympathy, and will be turned off when her man comes up with a solution. Tannen ranges widely through linguistic research, poetry, and fiction to document her points. Most interesting: transcripts of a series of videotaped conversations of school-age, same-sex groups, which bolster Tannen's observation that girls and boys speak and act as though they belong to ""different species."" Persuasive--but Tannen hammers home her limited number of points with such force that the reader cries uncle halfway through the book. Copyright ©Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

Author notes provided by Syndetics

Deborah Tannen is the bestselling author of "The Argument Culture", "Talking from 9 to 5", "That's Not What I Meant", & "You Just Don't Understand", which was on "The New York Times" bestseller list for nearly four years, including eight months as number one. She is a professor at Georgetown University, in Washington D.C. "I Only Say This Because I Love You" is her seventeenth book.

Her latest book is entitled, "You Were Always Mom's Favorite: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives." (Publisher Provided)